My Experience: Part I - My Story

I haven’t posted in over a month. I didn’t forget about my blog or give up on it but I was going through a down period and I needed to focus on me for a little while. I also knew the next couple of posts I wanted to write were to describe my personal experience of getting diagnosed and dealing with the effects of depression and it was hard to work up the courage to tell this story.

In 2010/2011 I went on an exchange to England for a year. It was the best year of my life! I experienced a new culture, I met so many amazing people and made some of my best friends, I travelled all the time. It was perfect. Then I returned home to Canada and things got hard. I was thrown back into a more strict society with higher expectations; it was like culture shock in my own country. Friendships had dwindled over the year as people’s lives continued on without me while I was gone. It was my last year of university and for the first time ever I found school work to be a chore. It wasn’t hard, I had just changed. I used to be the person who identified myself by my grades and focused only on school work, to the detriment of all other aspects of my life. But now I had experienced a different way of life, a more relaxed way of life; I felt alive. I wanted to travel and explore and meet new people and socialize; school just wasn’t as important as it used to be. But I had gotten straight A’s throughout my past 3 years of university and I knew I’d be very disappointed in myself if I didn’t get straight A’s in my final year, so as hard as it was to concentrate, I pushed myself to give it my all. In the end it paid off and on graduation day I was happy when I received a medal for graduating at the top of my class. It was worth it. But I was burnt out.

Throughout the year I also diagnosed myself with Seasonal Affective Disorder. After being in England for a year I was certainly sun deprived. Then came the cold Canadian winter (which I usually love because I ski/snowboard/skate/snowshoe) but for the first time, I hated it. I started sleeping a lot, stopped trekking to the gym, went outside as few times as possible and eventually started skipping most of my classes (which I NEVER did before!) I think the lack of sunlight, the endlessly long, cold winter, and my pure exhaustion from school just did me in. My body gave up, it didn’t want to try and fight anymore.

After my year abroad I had also gone through a break up. The break up itself didn’t contribute to my depression, but there were consequences to that relationship that were now fairly evident. For 3 and a half years my life had revolved around one person and now that he was gone, I was alone. I had given up most of my hobbies and we had spent all of our time together so I now realized that I really didn’t have any friends. This certainly affected my mood – I had no support network, no one to share stories with, no social life. It was just me. I love having alone time, but when all my time was spent by myself and I had no one to do anything with it got incredibly lonely.

In May 2012, right after I finished my last year of university, I was officially diagnosed with depression. I went on a dopamine medication and immediately had a bad reaction so my doctor switched me to a serotonin medication that seemed to have more promise.  But despite having just gotten diagnosed with depression, I still decided to move back to England for law school. In hindsight, that was probably a bad idea. I loved England, I made more awesome friends, but being in another country, so far away from my family, at a time when I was really struggling made things worse. I was fine for the first semester, the change and the excitement was enough to boost my spirits. But then second semester came along and I was 100% burnt out. I couldn’t focus on school; I had no interest in it anymore. The grey, rainy weather in England put a damper on my already low mood. I had no motivation to do any of the fun activities I had planned to do, and I barely saw my friends any more. I stopped going to class, even though I was on a VISA and could get kicked out of the country for not showing up. I stopped going out with my friends. I didn’t travel anymore. I didn’t even get dressed or leave the house. It also didn’t helping that I was dating (and living with) a guy who turned out to have zero aspirations in life – his negative outlook on life really brought me down. I decided to break up with my boyfriend, take a leave of absence from law school and return to Canada. Packing up and getting myself to the airport was an enormous task for me, I’d say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. It was so hard for me to gather the motivation to actually do something and to leave the house and catch a train to the airport seemed impossible. I almost didn’t get up the morning I had to leave because I couldn’t coax myself to get out of bed and face the day. The only thing that got me moving was knowing that I was going home and that I could then get into my own bed and not have to move again for as long as I wanted.

Being home actually made a huge difference. It was nice to see my family and my dog. It was summer time and I live on the lake so I could just relax and soak up the sun. I was happy. And I thought I was cured. I had stopped taking my medication while in England, a few months before I came home. I found it really wasn’t helping me and I actually thought it was making me worse. Now that I was home, I was glad I wasn’t on any meds, I don't like the idea of putting all these unnatural chemicals into my body, I much rather find my own personal, natural ways of healing, so I was happy that all I needed to cure me was to come home and be with my family in the sun.

So I had dealt with depression (officially) for just over a year – May 2012 until June 2013. And then I was fine. I was still struggling to get back into a routine of working and moving out of my parents’ house, but I was happy. I eventually moved to Toronto in January 2014 and started working in February. I then got a second job in March and I loved how busy I was. After so long of doing nothing and being bored of doing nothing but not having the motivation to do anything else, a full schedule felt like heaven! Until the end of March, when it all came crashing down again.

March 2014 – I had been free from depression for almost 10 months and all of a sudden I felt my world spinning out of control again. Maybe I was never really completely free from it the first time. Maybe it was just a false sense of happiness from switching up my routine. I’m not sure. But I was certain that I was dealing with a relapse.

I missed work one night because I suffered an awful panic attack and couldn’t stop shaking and crying for hours. The next day I quit that job. I started struggling to wake up to get to my 9-5 job downtown and I either missed days or came in late. Eventually we worked out a revised schedule where I worked 11:30-5 instead. That helped for a while, but as time went on that also became too hard. I wasn’t falling asleep until around 4 or 5am, so waking up in the morning was actually impossible. Even when I managed to get to work, I couldn’t concentrate and it took forever to get anything done. I eventually just stopped going to work altogether. I reluctantly went back on medication (a different kind then the previous 2 I had tried). It’s working better I think. I also started seeing an acupuncturist (more on that later) and he really helped me deal with some of my issues. I’m still struggling with the relapse. But I can definitely say I’m on the rise again. And this time I’m not going to assume my recovery. I’m going to work hard and make some serious life changes so I can hopefully eliminate depression from my life altogether.

I know this post is incredibly long!! But whether anyone reads this to the end or not, I thought it was important to tell my background story of how I got to where I am today, if not for anyone else’s benefit, then at least for my own, as a record of my past and what I’ve been through. In my next post I will discuss all the feelings and emotions I have experienced when in my states of depression to give people an understanding of what I go through, and to help those of you dealing with depression see that you’re not alone in experiencing these troubling feelings. 

Types of Depression

There are three main types of depression: Major Depression, Dysthymic Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. Two other types of depression to be aware of are Seasonal Affective Disorder and Postpartum Depression. People may also suffer depressive states due to certain medical conditions or the use of drugs and alcohol.

Major Depression

In order to be diagnosed with major depression, a person must have at least five of the following symptoms and they must be severe enough to cause a disruption to the person’s daily functioning. These symptoms must be present for a minimum to two weeks.

The symptoms include: a depressed mood, fatigue or loss of energy, lack of appetite, gaining or losing a significant amount of weight, a loss of interest in most activities, feeling worthless, feeling guilty, a decreased sex drive, sleep disturbance and an inability to concentrate / indecisiveness. Thoughts of suicide are also a common symptom.  

Some people may only experience one episode of major depression in their lifetime. However, experiencing depression once does increase a person’s risk of relapse.

Dysthymic Disorder

If someone has dysthymic disorder the symptoms will still cause them to experience an interference with their daily life, however not to the same degree as those suffering from major depression. To be diagnosed with dysthymic disorder, symptoms must be present for a majority of days over a minimum two year time period.

The symptoms are generally the same as major depression however they’re not quite as severe. The person may still be able to function but they go through life constantly feeling down, hopeless, having low self-esteem and a lack of interest in activities. A person dealing with dysthymic disorder does have an increased risk of developing major depression.

Bipolar Disorder

People who suffer from bipolar disorder switch between states of depression and mania. When in the depressive state, the symptoms are the same as those experienced by other types of depression. When in a manic state, the person has a greater self-esteem, feelings of grandiosity, they act without thinking and indulge in excessive risky behaviours and they have a reduced need for sleep due to being so hyperactive and having lots of thoughts and ideas constantly racing through their head.

People suffering from this illness aren’t always depressed or manic, often they experience periods of wellness in between their episodes, however this does vary from person to person. Normally people are in a manic state or depressive state for a while, although it isn’t unheard of for people to go through rapidly changing states. The frequency of any one state also varies between people – some may experience more depressed states, some more manic, and some may even live a life categorised mostly by states of wellness but do occasionally experience a manic or depressive episode. This illness is certainly hard for the friends and family members of the person dealing with the disorder because they never know which version of the person they’re going to be dealing with. It’s also extremely difficult for the person suffering because one minute they feel really good and the next minute they feel really down, which can be very confusing and overwhelming.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

SAD is a type of depression that people experience when faced with diminished sun and the constant grey of the winter months. It is not to be confused with the “winter blues”. Most people experience the winter blues as the cold, dark days drag on and people just get tired of it. However, people dealing with SAD aren’t just fed up with winter, they tend to withdraw and miss work, school, social activities, etc. because of the symptoms of depression.

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is a type of depression that can result from pregnancy or child birth. It can occur any time within the first year of child birth and affects mothers, fathers and parents who adopt (although most commonly mothers). Symptoms of postpartum depression include the symptoms described for major depression as well as having no interest in the baby, wanting to hurt the baby or themselves, and feeling like they are a bad parent.

Depression vs. Sadness

As I mentioned in my last post, there seems to be a misunderstanding within our culture as to the difference between being sad and being depressed, and this misunderstanding creates a disconnect between those suffering from depression and the people they interact with on a daily basis (family members, friends, employers, teachers, etc). This disconnect is troublesome because it can create more stress for the depressed person since they find themselves constantly having to explain to people that what they’re feeling is not just sadness, it’s not something they can just snap out of. And if people don’t understand this it can have a negative impact on the depressed person, for example by ruining relationships or resulting in job loss and this just reinforces the person’s depression, digging them even deeper into their hole.

Depression is NOT sadness.

Unfortunately, when people feel really sad, they often say they feel depressed and this makes it confusing to differentiate between the two. Sadness is a temporary state of mind; a temporary mood. You may feel sad for a period of time, but the feeling eventually passes and you forget about it or it isn’t strong enough to affect your daily routine. Sadness is an emotional state. When you’re sad, for instance, if you’re experiencing the death of a loved one, you may cry a lot and feel grief, you may spend more time in bed, you may take a break from your normal rituals and just allow yourself to mourn for a few days, but even then, you can still function as a human being, it may be uncomfortable to go to work or cook your meals or socialize with others, but you have the ability to do so, you can still bring yourself to do these things if you have to.

Depression differs from sadness in that depression produces physical symptoms. People dealing with depression may experience heavy shoulders and other body aches and pains, they feel extremely fatigued, they have a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, an inability to sleep or excessive sleeping or they may have a hard time concentrating no matter how hard they try. They have an extremely difficult time dealing with the minute details of daily life. It’s almost like having a cold or the flu but the symptoms never go away. And since these symptoms are constantly present, the person feels worse day after day. The depression prevents them from being themselves. Everything they used to take for granted now becomes a chore. The littlest of activities, such as showering or walking to get the mail become stressful and overwhelming and can cause a panic attack or mental breakdown in the depressed person because they are so frustrated that they can no longer perform these simple tasks. Depression is just a vicious cycle. People experience the physical symptoms and since they never let up the person starts to feel worse because they get frustrated with the way they’re feeling or they feel like a failure because they can’t function as they feel they should be able to. This causes them to just avoid socializing or going to work or participating in activities altogether because they’re so tired from the lack of sleep that they have no energy to do things or it’s easier for them to just not do them than it is for them to try and not succeed, thus reinforcing the feeling of failure.

It is important to recognize the difference between depression and sadness so people can understand that the depressed person is not just lazy, that it’s not their fault that they can’t do certain things that come so naturally to other people. Without this understanding, people may make comments such as “it’s not that hard, you can do it, you just have to try harder” or “you’d feel better if you just got up and did things”. Although the intentions behind these types of comments may be harmless, they only serve to reinforce the depression by making the depressed person feel inadequate or guilty that they’re not able to do things or cause them to give up trying because they’re told they should be able to control the symptoms but no matter what they do they can’t reduce the feelings of depression.

Depression is a medical condition. People may not feel like they can control the symptoms associated with depression, but with the support from people who understand and with a willingness to make changes in their lifestyle, the person does have the ability to make an impact on their way of life by reducing or eliminating symptoms and finding routines and solutions that work for them. Each approach is individual, you just have to go through the process of trial and error until you find what works best for you.