20 Gentle Ways To Take Care Of Yourself

Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves. Especially in this day and age where everything seems to be based around how successful we can be. It's important to take time for ourselves and to know our individual limits so we don't become overwhelmed, stressed out, anxious or depressed. And if you are already feeling the pressure of any of these, it is even more important to focus on your well being. Here are 20 easy and gentle ways that you can take care of yourself.

Accept yourself for who you are

The most important thing you can do for yourself is learn to know who you are, be proud of who you are, and love yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself, know you'll make mistakes and accept that you are only human. It's important to trust your instincts and know there's nothing wrong with you, you're perfect the way you are and you're doing the best you can and that is always enough.

Say no to things that aren't important to you

Having too much on your plate at once is overwhelming because you feel burdened to keep up with everything, and when you don't, it only drags you down. Give yourself permission to focus only on what's important and walk away from those unnecessary responsibilities that you've overcrowded your life with.

Write a gratitude journal

Write a few sentences a day of what you're grateful for at this time in your life. Doing this will allow you to focus on the positives each day and to really appreciate the little things. It's also a great tool to have to look back on when you're having a bad day and need a little extra inspiration or motivation.

Get enough sleep

Getting enough sleep is one of the most fundamental rules of self care. Our bodies need rest in order to recharge and replenish. Our minds need to rest in order to stay healthy and fresh. We often think that pushing ourselves to stay up later and finish one more task will help us feel less stressed and maybe it will in the short term, but in the long run, you're just pushing your body to over exertion. An adequate amount of sleep is really what will help you de-stress.

Eat healthy / Take vitamins

Eating healthy and nutritious meals may seem harder and more time consuming than ordering takeout, but it doesn't have to be. There's lots of recipes out there for quick meals and you can even spend a few hours one day making enough meals to get you through the week so you don't have that extra stress weighing on you every day. Getting enough nutrients will give you more energy, make your body feel better, and improve your mood. It's also important to take a multivitamin every day! It takes no time at all and it'll help your mind and body stay healthy (even when you opt for the processed, unhealthy meals).

Keep in touch with a few close friends

You don't need to stay in touch with everyone you know. People understand that life gets busy and socializing can sometimes take a back burner to other things. But it's important to keep in touch with the people you're closest too as they are what make you happy, they are what inspire you. Just the odd text message or phone call or coffee date every few days will help keep your spirits up.

Write positive thoughts or affirmations when you're calm to help you through the tough times

When you're in the middle of an anxiety attack or a dark moment you're not thinking straight and it's hard to remember all the positive things you have going for you in your life. So when you're feeling calm, take some time to write down what you want to remind yourself of during your difficult times. Write down why you're so amazing, a pep-talk to yourself, some ideas of what might help you feel better, any positive thoughts that will help you get through those tough moments in your life.

Walk wherever you can

It might seem more time consuming, but it's way more beneficial to walk instead of drive or take public transit! Not only does walking ensure you're getting exercise everyday, it also gets you outside, giving your body that well-needed fresh air and sunlight. All of this will release those feel-good endorphins inside you, making you feel happier, more energized and more focused.

Ask for help / Have a support group

Sometimes it's a hard lesson to learn, but the sooner you learn it, the more relieved you'll feel - there's absolutely no shame in asking for help! Don't underestimate the people in your life, chances are they want to be there for you, they want to help you. Even having someone else perform simple tasks like doing the dishes, cooking dinner, or doing the laundry can go a long way to reducing the extra stress that has being weighing you down. Your friends, family, and partner only want the best for you, they're on your team! If you need moral support, if you need help with everyday tasks, just ask! 

Don't stifle your emotions

I know it's easier said than done, but one of the worst things you can do is bottle your emotions up inside you. Yell, scream, cry, punch your pillow, whatever you need to do, just let it all out. I promise you'll feel better. 

Don't make any major decisions

Our minds work in mysterious ways. Often when we're feeling depressed or anxious we make rash decisions that seem like the best option at the time, only to end up questioning or regretting our decisions later when we've calmed down. It can take some self control, but save all your major decision making for when you've calmed down and can think clearer, especially if your decisions affect other people and not just yourself. 

Make time for rest

I mentioned the importance of sleep, but it's also important to just rest. Allow time each day for you to just be calm - don't think about work, don't think about the chores building up, don't busy your mind with watching TV shows, scanning the internet or reading a book, give yourself time to just be. 5 minutes of pure rest, actually doing nothing, will do a lot more for you than 20 minutes of scrolling through Facebook.

Be okay with a little mess

A little mess never hurt anyone. When you're feeling overwhelmed in life it's easy to let things like doing the dishes and keeping the house tidy go by the way side but that's okay, nothing's wrong with that. Don't feel bad about it, you can clean up at any time, but for now, just let it be and instead focus on the things that are important. 

Break up your chores or habits into smaller tasks and just do one each day

A long list of things to do is overwhelming and stressful and can really dampen your mood when you can't get everything done. Your life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, you shouldn't feel like you're constantly trying to keep up. Try breaking your routines up into smaller chunks - wash your hair one day, shave your legs the next day, sweep the floor one day, clean out the fridge the next day. By doing this you'll be able to stay on top of everything more easily, and you'll feel more accomplished when you cross off your chore for the day and know that now you have time for yourself.

Get sunlight

One of the best things you can do for yourself is go outside and fill your mind, body and soul with some natural light. Sunlight is proven to increase your mood and if you spend a lot of time indoors under artificial lights than it's even more important that you get that daily dose of sunlight.

Do some easy exercise like yoga

Not every likes yoga, and that's okay, but some light stretching or walking or other exercise you enjoy can go a long way to improving your mood. Exercise releases endorphins in your body so your mind automatically feels a little happier, a little clearer, and a little more focused.

Create routines to keep you on track and make things easier 

When we're going through a rough patch the simplest tasks can become extremely difficult to accomplish. Creating some routines will help you get through those tougher times. Try spending one afternoon making all your meals for the week, forgo wearing makeup or do your hair in the same simple way each day so you can focus on other things, set out all your outfits for the week so when you wake up you can just get up and go without worrying about what to wear. Little routines like this go a long way to getting rid of those little daily stressors that weigh you down.

Take a hot bath with aroma therapy scents or candles

A hot bath is one of the most relaxing things you can do. Use some calming bath salts and light your favourite candles and allow yourself to indulge in some well needed 'you' time.

Take the weekends off

It's important to make time for yourself. We've become too focused on work and money and being the best that we forget to just live, to just be us. Allow yourself that important time to just do what you want to do. No matter what you do during the week, allow yourself those two days on the weekend to have fun, recharge and just do you.

Drink tea, not coffee

I'm not just saying this because I'm addicted to tea, I promise. But caffeine dehydrates you and the effects of it only last so long, meaning eventually it'll cause you to become tired again, and too much can make you jittery and anxious. Tea is a comforting drink and as mentioned in one of my other posts, it actually has natural properties in it that help decrease your anxiety.

Be One With Nature

I'm starting to get restless from sitting inside watching TV and wasting away my time on the internet day after day. I know for most people, having this down time feels like such a luxury, but when that's what you do literally all day, every day, it can get extremely boring. That's the problem with depression though, no matter how bored I am of doing absolutely nothing, sometimes I just don't have it within me to change that situation, so I just continue being bored. 

That being said, the other day was a perfect autumn day and I managed to convince myself that there was no way I was going to miss out on such a gorgeous day. Autumn is my favourite season, so I wanted to get outside and enjoy it. The hard part is always working up the courage to get dressed and step outside. I didn't want to overwhelm myself and cause a panic attack, as I had one the night before, so I took things slowly. I told myself that I could lounge around in the morning while eating breakfast but I had to be outside by 12pm so as to not waste the entire day.

The hardest part is always getting up off the couch to go get dressed but that's also the most important step! When I'm in my pjs my mind is set on lazy mode, it's easy to get too comfy and then I end up not wanting to do anything because it seems like such a huge chore to have to go and get ready for the day before I can step outside the house. But once I'm dressed, everything else comes much easier because I'm already set to go about my day and if something unexpected comes up, I'm ready. In order to make my morning routine easier for me I've stopped wearing make-up and worrying about my hair. Sometimes spending the time to do these things makes me feel good because it's nice to feel dolled up now and again, but on a regular basis my goal is just to get out of the house as fast as possible, so I just throw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, brush my teeth and I'm ready to go. Cutting my routine down to the bare necessities makes it more likely that I'll get outside as I don't have time to change my mind or make excuses. 

Once I got outside the other day, I honestly felt like my normal self again. I went for a long walk by myself and just took my time exploring. The path I took I've walked time and time again since I was a child, but it was like I was seeing it for the very first time. I allowed myself to notice everything, I stopped and admired the beauty of the changing leaves, I felt the crisp autumn air enter into my soul. It was wonderful! 

There's no words to describe the healing powers of nature, it's just a feeling but it's a feeling I truly believe in. I've always been an outdoorsy/active person and it wasn't until I took the time to connect with nature again that I realized how much I had been missing that in my life. The day of my walk was gorgeous, perfect sweater weather, however yesterday and today have been nothing but gloom and rain, but instead of finding myself running from the rain, I've been embracing it. It's like mother nature has woken up my soul and made me feel alive again.

I know I'm not the only one to experience this sensation. In fact, I got a text from my boyfriend about a week ago telling me the same thing. He was having a bad day, just felt a little down and didn't want to be stuck at work. He was working on a roof and all of a sudden it started to storm. While everyone else was running for cover, he lifted his face to the sky and allowed the rain to wash over him. He smiled because for the first time all day, he felt alive. 

In our busy, progressive society, it's easy to get caught up working too hard, trying to be the best, rushing from place to place or spending all of our time stuck in a concrete jungle. But I urge you to escape from all that, even if just for a few hours, and get out and become one with nature. We evolved from nature, we weren't always surrounded by tall buildings, loud noises and lots of light, life used to be a lot more simple and a lot more peaceful and as humans we're hardwired to still crave that because that's how life was meant to be before we took control and focused on making everything 'bigger / better / faster / stronger'. We have evolved as a species but it's important to remember where we came from. We are just as much a part of nature as are the animals, the trees or the ocean. We need to take the time to embrace nature, to take it all in, and to allow our minds, bodies and souls to recharge. 

Here are a few photos from my walk. I hope they inspire you to get outside. 

    

Educate Yourself

I came across this quote on Tumblr  the other day and it spoke volumes to me. It's really hard to describe to people the obstacles I face on a daily basis; the constant struggle I endure with myself. I've tried to explain my feelings on this blog before, but I think this quote says it best. Please take the time to educate yourself on how depression affects those individuals suffering from it so you can better understand them.

"Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. Depression is humiliating.

If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. Depression is humiliating.

No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."

Telecare Peterborough - Defeat Depression Campaign

Well hello there! It's been a while. I'd like to apologize to all my avid readers for the lack of posts over the past month or so. But I guess that's expected when the girl behind the blog suffers from depression herself. I love to share my stories with you all and help you out in whatever way I can, but sometimes life gets a little rough for me as well and the motivation to sit here and write just disappears and I need to take a break for a little while. But that being said, I'm back now and ready to continue this journey with you. 

Just a little update: While I was unplugged from this blog over the past month, life has changed for me a little bit. Since I haven't been working I could no longer finance my living situation in Toronto and so I have moved back home to my parents' house in the Kawartha Lakes. I'm not a city person, and I don't think I was cut out for the Toronto life, but I do miss my independence. But for now, this is the right choice. It's nice to live at home with my family around for support and to be rent free so I can start to build up my finances again. 

Anyways, on to the point of this blog post... 

Tomorrow, Saturday October 4, 2014, Telecare Distress Centre of Peterborough is holding a run / walk-athon to help raise awareness and erase the stigma associated with depression. 

The event takes place at Jackson Park (610 Parkhill Rd. Peterborough). The site is open at 9am with the walk scheduled to start at 10am. 

"Telecare Peterborough is a free, anonymous and strictly confidential 24-hour call line for people in need of a friendly person who will listen. Our phones are answered by volunteers who are good listeners, enjoy talking to people and are trained to handle crisis situations. It is our vision that every person who calls will have access to a caring, empathetic and non-judgmental listener. Our mission is to support and strengthen Telecare services to our clients and volunteers by developing and maintaining effective crisis intervention and support."

To register for the walk or to donate please click on the link to visit the Defeat Depression Campaign website. 

You can also learn more about Telecare Distress Centre of Peterbotough by visiting their website - www.telecarepeterborough.org

For those of you closer to the Lindsay area, there is also Telecare Lindsay - http://www.telecarelindsay.org/

RIP Robin Williams

"You look at the world and see how scary it can be sometimes and still try to deal with the fear. Comedy can deal with the fear and still not paralyze you or tell you that it's going away. You say, okay, you got certain choices here, you can laugh at them and then once you've laughed at them and you have expunged the demon, now you can deal with them. That's what I do when I do my act."

Since this is a blog on depression and mental health, I see it fit to post a tribute to a man that many of us grew up with; an amazingly talented actor and comedian, a highly energetic and good humored man, someone who we could all count on to make us laugh - Robin Williams. 

On August 11, 2014 Robin Williams passed away due to apparent suicide following his struggle with severe depression. 

Williams has been open about his mental health issues, however his battle with depression came as a shock to many - how could someone whose purpose in life was to make others laugh, feel so sad inside? This just goes to show that we should respect each other and try to bring a little bit of happiness to other people's lives each day because we're all dealing with our own demons. Everyone has struggles that no one else knows about and we should be mindful of that in our interactions with others. 

I've read some criticisms online saying that Robin Williams was "too successful" to be depressed. This angers me. Depression is an illness and it can happen to anyone. Of course some people may be faced with a greater number of risk factors for depression depending on the quality of the life they live, but depression doesn't single out these people. Depression does not care about class, wealth, race, talent, etc. Nobody is immune from depression. One article I read mentioned a very good comparison - "Smoking may be a major cause of lung cancer, but non-smokers can end up with it." Likewise, poverty, homelessness, abuse, drug dependency, etc. may be a factor in depression, but people who are not faced with these issues can end up with it as well. Take myself for instance, I'm not a wealthy, successful celebrity, but I'm also not living on the side of the road scouring the garbage cans for food. I'm just your average, every day girl, and yet I have depression. Depression just is. Some people get it, some people don't and there's no way around it. As the same article pointed out - "a person’s lifestyle doesn’t automatically reduce their suffering. Depression doesn’t work like that. And even if it did, where’s the cut-off point? Who would we consider “too successful” to be ill?"

We should all remember Robin for the joy he brought to our lives, for his ability to make us laugh, for his talent in Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting, Jumanji, What Dreams May Come, Hook and many more films, but hopefully his death will also help send a message; hopefully it'll help change people's attitudes towards depression and mental health, make people more aware of the power of this illness, and ultimately, help end the stigma that surrounds the world of mental health. 

RAW Emotion

The following is an exert from a journal entry I wrote on Friday May 16, 2014. As you can tell from the entry, I was in a dark spot at the time and was really struggling to understand my life.

** Update: Since I wrote this journal entry I have stopped going to work completely as I found it too hard to focus on myself and getting better while also trying to force myself to work a 9-5 job where other people depended on me. How could I be there for others when I couldn't even depend on myself? I decided I needed some time to just figure out me. I also feel like my medication is starting to work a little better. It's taken a long time to truly start altering my brain chemistry, but I can say that within the past month or so I have noticed a bit of a difference. Remember, I started my medication in March and it wasn't until July that I really felt a significant change. That's five months! So medication isn't a quick fix option, this process takes time. I'm still by no means feeling fixed or better, but it is very encouraging to recognize some progress, no matter how small. 

RAW Emotion

"I really don't feel very much like myself anymore. I look like me, but that's really the only thing about myself that I recognize. Some days are better than others. Some days I know that the real me is hiding just beneath the surface, other days I feel like I'll never see her again. It's hard to look at myself in the mirror every day and to not really know who the person is staring back at me. It's upsetting. I act different than I used to, my mind thinks in a way that feels so foreign to me, everything I used to identify myself with, my education, my career choice, are gone; vanished, replaced by what, I do not know. Everything I used to enjoy feels distant; out of reach.

It's hard to tell whether I'm getting better. I suppose I am. I don't cry or break down as much as I used to, I can spend a night alone without panicking, I've been able to force myself out of bed in the morning and go to work more often than not - those are all good signs. But I'm not really sure that the medication is working. It certainly didn't last time Although I'm on a different type of medication this time, it seems to be the same story. I feel like it worked a bit at the beginning, my brain got a nice spike of serotonin and then it stabilized me a little, just enough that I was no longer going crazy, and then it plateaued, leaving me here, in limbo, stuck. 

Stuck. Not getting worse but also not getting any better, just staying the same. This 'sameness' is starting to agitate me, it's hard to push myself each day when I don't notice any improvements. I will never give up on myself, if there's one thing I am, it's determined. But the longer I stay in this one place, without seeing a meaningful change, the harder it is to conjure up the motivation I need to push myself forward. Why keep working so hard and get nothing in return? But I will, because I know otherwise I'll be swallowed up in a vicious circle - every time I miss work, every time I don't do something I had my heart set on, it'll make me feel worse and just continue to bring me down. 

Going to work seems to be the thing that stresses me out the most. I don't know why. I honestly enjoy my job, it's the type of work I've always dreamed of doing - working in an office, researching, writing reports - the old me would think I hit the jackpot, that I was given the opportunity of a life-time, and yet the new me isn't quite content. Again, I feel stuck in limbo, confused between the life I always wanted, which is the life I have now, and the life I now keep dreaming of. I'm not sure which path to take, which life I want more, I'm at a crossroads and I think that's really contributing to my depression. I always wanted the office lifestyle - the 9-5, the suits and briefcases, the desk, the business meetings, that was so appealing to me. Now, after living in England and travelling around Europe (especially Portugal) I'm confused. I want a more laid back lifestyle, more relaxing, I want to be in control. 

Matt asked me why Portugal was so special and as I told him, it's just because the people there live such a carefree way of life. It was a turning point for me, it was there that I realized that I needed to take life less seriously. It was there that I realized that there is so much more to life than all these daily hassles and work and stress. Life is an adventure, it is my adventure, mine to create, mine to live the way I want. Just because I have grown up in an uptight, serious society does not mean I have to continue to live my life that way. North American society has created these rules, these boundaries that we are to live within, these expectations that we are to live by. Everything is focused around who gets the best grades, who has the best career, who makes the most money. That's how I used to identify myself as well. But life doesn't have to be that serious, it can be so much simpler. I don't want to live within these confines that someone else created for me, that someone else decided was the way that we should all live. I want to be in control of my own life, to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, without having to answer to anybody. Other societies have adopted this more relaxed version of life and the people just seem so less stressed, so much happier. I want to live a life that makes me happy. 

This life I'm living now seems lonely, hallow. I feel like I'm living the same thing from day to day. In fact, I don't really feel like I'm 'living' at all. It is all so mundane, I'm just doing what I need to get by. I feel alone. I have no one to share this life with. I have my family, I have Matt, but they can't be my everything. I love my independence until I realize how constricting it is, how much I'm missing out on since that's really all I have. It's hard though, for me to carry on friendships. The friends I did have treated me so badly in the past. I was bullied, I was walked all over, I was used. How can I trust that that won't happen again? I lost touch with so many people because I focused 100% of my time on school work, I had no personal life. Or I felt too depressed to do anything so I never saw my friends and they eventually just faded away. Then there's the few friends I thought I could trust with my secret, that I have depression, only to find out that some of them didn't want to be friends with someone who was 'broken'. I had to watch them walk away, ignorant to what I was really going through. I had to watch, helpless, as this illness defined the limits of my life..." 

My Experience: Part II - The Suffering That Depression Has Caused Me To Endure

It’s really hard to put into words how I feel when I’m depressed. There’s no words strong enough to do my feelings justice and if you’ve never experienced depression yourself, you can only try to imagine how terrible it really feels. No one can understand the true horror of depression unless they’ve felt it first-hand. If you’ve never been clinically depressed your body just isn’t programmed to feel such strong negative emotions, to hit a low that reaches deeper than any low you have ever experienced. Lucky you.

I have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, full on mental breakdowns that all occur just out of the blue. I can literally be perfectly happy and not have a worry in the world one minute and then all of a sudden this rush washes over me and I feel scared, although I don’t know of what, my mind is blank yet racing with thoughts at the same time, I forget everything I was doing, everything I should be doing, everything I am and I just become overwhelmed with negativity – it’s like I’m under water, drowning, being tossed around by a giant wave with no way of knowing when it’ll stop, if it’ll stop, if I’ll ever get the chance to come up for air. My chest feels tight, it’s hard to breath. I start shaking and crying, gasping and hyperventilating. I need to get somewhere safe immediately – my bed, the arms of my boyfriend, my mom or my sister. It goes on for hours like this. Every time I start to feel a little calmer and the tears have managed to stop flowing then another rush comes over me. There’s no trying to stop it, to get a hold of myself, my brain can’t even fathom how to go about doing that. All I have to do is wait; endure the pain of it all until it comes to its natural end. Needless to say, I feel off for the rest of the day. I can’t shake the feeling of what happened. I feel sad, down, lonely, tired. I just want to fall asleep and hope I sleep right through until the next day.

I cry a lot. I’ve heard that crying may mean you’re not dealing with depression but simply grief because as I explained in a previous post (Depression vs. Sadness), your mood produces emotional symptoms, whereas the symptoms of depression are more physical. But I’ve always been a very emotional person, I’ve always turned to crying as a way to release the feelings built up inside me and so I think my excessive crying now is due not to the temporary mood of grief, but to grieving for the loss of myself that depression has caused. I don’t recognize myself any more, and sometimes no matter how hard I try, I can’t get back to the way I used to be and this scares me. So whenever people ask me how I’m doing, whenever I’m forced to talk about my depression, I get a lump in my throat and the tears start swelling up behind my eyes and no matter how hard I try, it eventually becomes too much and I break down crying.

Sometimes I’ll be sitting by myself and I just start crying out of nowhere. All of a sudden this feeling of frustration over takes me and I can’t escape it. I bring my knees to my chest, put my forehead on my knees, and grab at my hair with both hands, pulling on my hair because I feel so overwhelmed, so frustrated, so broken.

I get irritated a lot and lose my temper. When people do things that I used to find funny and playful, I now have no patience for them and they cause me to be annoyed. The littlest things set me off and I argue a lot more than I used to. I also can’t concentrate – my mind either feels overwhelmed and jumps from one idea to the next, making it impossible for me to make up my mind or I stare blankly ahead while my mind is off in la-la land, thinking of absolutely nothing, just wasting time away.

Most of the time I have zero motivation to do anything. There’s lots of things I’d like to do, and often I’ll sit there staring at things, willing myself to just pick them up and start doing something, but I just can’t. There’s no explanation for it. There’s just this force within me that is holding me back. It’s terrible, because I’m so bored, but no matter how strong the boredom, I can’t bring myself to do anything. Sometimes I can’t even read or watch TV or do mindless tasks. I just sit there, staring off in the distance. Sometimes I go days without showering because it just seems like such a huge chore. I love to cook but I barely eat decent meals anymore because I just don’t feel like making them. I live for nature and the outdoors but most of the time I can’t bring myself to get dressed let alone leave the house, even to just go sit in my back yard for a bit. It takes me hours to fall asleep at night, usually I’m not asleep until 4am and then I never want to wake up and get out of bed in the morning. By the time I’m up it’s almost lunch time and I’ve wasted half my day just lying in bed. I used to be extremely active (sports, gym, yoga, zumba) but now I do none of that; it’s just too much effort. I’ve become lazy, but not a kind of laziness I can control. It’s not like I don’t want to do these things and rather sit around doing nothing, definitely not! I would love to be my active self again, but I just can’t. Again, there’s that imaginary force holding me back.

Most days I get out of bed and go sit in my recliner, I drink a tea and spend the whole day reading. I only get up to go to the bathroom, snack on something that doesn’t require time to make or to refill my tea. I feel like each day just blends right into the next one, it’s all a blur. My life is passing me by. Days have turned into weeks, into months and now into years of me doing absolutely nothing with my life. It saddens me that I’m missing out on so much, that I’m missing out on being a regular 24 year old girl, that I can’t hold on to a job and don’t even have enough money to live off of let alone go out and have a good time with my friends doing all the activities I dream of one day doing again. I try to get things done each day to change my situation, even if just a little, but it’s terribly hard to notice any progress. I’m determined to turn all this around and be my happy self again but sometimes I just feel stuck. 

My Experience: Part I - My Story

I haven’t posted in over a month. I didn’t forget about my blog or give up on it but I was going through a down period and I needed to focus on me for a little while. I also knew the next couple of posts I wanted to write were to describe my personal experience of getting diagnosed and dealing with the effects of depression and it was hard to work up the courage to tell this story.

In 2010/2011 I went on an exchange to England for a year. It was the best year of my life! I experienced a new culture, I met so many amazing people and made some of my best friends, I travelled all the time. It was perfect. Then I returned home to Canada and things got hard. I was thrown back into a more strict society with higher expectations; it was like culture shock in my own country. Friendships had dwindled over the year as people’s lives continued on without me while I was gone. It was my last year of university and for the first time ever I found school work to be a chore. It wasn’t hard, I had just changed. I used to be the person who identified myself by my grades and focused only on school work, to the detriment of all other aspects of my life. But now I had experienced a different way of life, a more relaxed way of life; I felt alive. I wanted to travel and explore and meet new people and socialize; school just wasn’t as important as it used to be. But I had gotten straight A’s throughout my past 3 years of university and I knew I’d be very disappointed in myself if I didn’t get straight A’s in my final year, so as hard as it was to concentrate, I pushed myself to give it my all. In the end it paid off and on graduation day I was happy when I received a medal for graduating at the top of my class. It was worth it. But I was burnt out.

Throughout the year I also diagnosed myself with Seasonal Affective Disorder. After being in England for a year I was certainly sun deprived. Then came the cold Canadian winter (which I usually love because I ski/snowboard/skate/snowshoe) but for the first time, I hated it. I started sleeping a lot, stopped trekking to the gym, went outside as few times as possible and eventually started skipping most of my classes (which I NEVER did before!) I think the lack of sunlight, the endlessly long, cold winter, and my pure exhaustion from school just did me in. My body gave up, it didn’t want to try and fight anymore.

After my year abroad I had also gone through a break up. The break up itself didn’t contribute to my depression, but there were consequences to that relationship that were now fairly evident. For 3 and a half years my life had revolved around one person and now that he was gone, I was alone. I had given up most of my hobbies and we had spent all of our time together so I now realized that I really didn’t have any friends. This certainly affected my mood – I had no support network, no one to share stories with, no social life. It was just me. I love having alone time, but when all my time was spent by myself and I had no one to do anything with it got incredibly lonely.

In May 2012, right after I finished my last year of university, I was officially diagnosed with depression. I went on a dopamine medication and immediately had a bad reaction so my doctor switched me to a serotonin medication that seemed to have more promise.  But despite having just gotten diagnosed with depression, I still decided to move back to England for law school. In hindsight, that was probably a bad idea. I loved England, I made more awesome friends, but being in another country, so far away from my family, at a time when I was really struggling made things worse. I was fine for the first semester, the change and the excitement was enough to boost my spirits. But then second semester came along and I was 100% burnt out. I couldn’t focus on school; I had no interest in it anymore. The grey, rainy weather in England put a damper on my already low mood. I had no motivation to do any of the fun activities I had planned to do, and I barely saw my friends any more. I stopped going to class, even though I was on a VISA and could get kicked out of the country for not showing up. I stopped going out with my friends. I didn’t travel anymore. I didn’t even get dressed or leave the house. It also didn’t helping that I was dating (and living with) a guy who turned out to have zero aspirations in life – his negative outlook on life really brought me down. I decided to break up with my boyfriend, take a leave of absence from law school and return to Canada. Packing up and getting myself to the airport was an enormous task for me, I’d say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. It was so hard for me to gather the motivation to actually do something and to leave the house and catch a train to the airport seemed impossible. I almost didn’t get up the morning I had to leave because I couldn’t coax myself to get out of bed and face the day. The only thing that got me moving was knowing that I was going home and that I could then get into my own bed and not have to move again for as long as I wanted.

Being home actually made a huge difference. It was nice to see my family and my dog. It was summer time and I live on the lake so I could just relax and soak up the sun. I was happy. And I thought I was cured. I had stopped taking my medication while in England, a few months before I came home. I found it really wasn’t helping me and I actually thought it was making me worse. Now that I was home, I was glad I wasn’t on any meds, I don't like the idea of putting all these unnatural chemicals into my body, I much rather find my own personal, natural ways of healing, so I was happy that all I needed to cure me was to come home and be with my family in the sun.

So I had dealt with depression (officially) for just over a year – May 2012 until June 2013. And then I was fine. I was still struggling to get back into a routine of working and moving out of my parents’ house, but I was happy. I eventually moved to Toronto in January 2014 and started working in February. I then got a second job in March and I loved how busy I was. After so long of doing nothing and being bored of doing nothing but not having the motivation to do anything else, a full schedule felt like heaven! Until the end of March, when it all came crashing down again.

March 2014 – I had been free from depression for almost 10 months and all of a sudden I felt my world spinning out of control again. Maybe I was never really completely free from it the first time. Maybe it was just a false sense of happiness from switching up my routine. I’m not sure. But I was certain that I was dealing with a relapse.

I missed work one night because I suffered an awful panic attack and couldn’t stop shaking and crying for hours. The next day I quit that job. I started struggling to wake up to get to my 9-5 job downtown and I either missed days or came in late. Eventually we worked out a revised schedule where I worked 11:30-5 instead. That helped for a while, but as time went on that also became too hard. I wasn’t falling asleep until around 4 or 5am, so waking up in the morning was actually impossible. Even when I managed to get to work, I couldn’t concentrate and it took forever to get anything done. I eventually just stopped going to work altogether. I reluctantly went back on medication (a different kind then the previous 2 I had tried). It’s working better I think. I also started seeing an acupuncturist (more on that later) and he really helped me deal with some of my issues. I’m still struggling with the relapse. But I can definitely say I’m on the rise again. And this time I’m not going to assume my recovery. I’m going to work hard and make some serious life changes so I can hopefully eliminate depression from my life altogether.

I know this post is incredibly long!! But whether anyone reads this to the end or not, I thought it was important to tell my background story of how I got to where I am today, if not for anyone else’s benefit, then at least for my own, as a record of my past and what I’ve been through. In my next post I will discuss all the feelings and emotions I have experienced when in my states of depression to give people an understanding of what I go through, and to help those of you dealing with depression see that you’re not alone in experiencing these troubling feelings. 

Feelings You May Experience If You're Dealing With Depression

Below is a list I created for myself of how I feel on a regular basis. I experience most of these feelings daily, although the severity of the feelings varies from day-to-day. I found it helpful to write all my feelings down – getting everything out of my head and on to paper made me feel less overwhelmed. It’s also great to be able to look at this list from time to time and remind myself that even though I’m struggling, there’s nothing wrong with that, the feelings I’m experiencing are normal for the situation I’m in, and I think recognizing that is an important step in recovery.

I encourage you to make your own list to help yourself better understand the different sensations your body is dealing with. For some of you, creating this list may be easy. Personally, I struggled with it because it was hard for me to accept that this is what I was going through (normally I’d just sweep all my emotions under a rug and forget about them) so this was definitely a good reflection exercise for me. Just remember that there may be things on my list that don’t apply to you and likewise you may be dealing with certain feelings that I haven’t experienced. That’s okay. We’re individuals and that means even though we’re in the same situation we may have slightly different experiences, that’s what makes me, me and you, you. We’re all unique, and you should be proud of who you are.

How I Feel (in no particular order)

• Anxious
• Stressed
• Sore (all my muscles feel heavy and are in physical pain)
• Sad
• Down
• Lonely / alone (even though I know I’m not)
• Like no one understands (even though I know that’s not true)
• Irritable
• Upset
• Indecisive
• Unable to concentrate / distracted
• Like I’m letting people down who are depending on me
• Guilty
• Depressed
• Nervous
• Tired / exhausted
• Burned out
• Unconfident
• Not like myself
• Confused
• Lazy / lethargic
• Overwhelmed
• Unable to sleep at night but then can’t wake up in the mornings
• Restless
• Shy / timid / soft spoken
• Vulnerable
• Easily frustrated
• Scared of conflict
• Emotionally unstable
• Scared
• Lost
• Like my mind is fighting against me every step of the way
• Angry (at other people and at the fact that I struggle so hard at everyday tasks that come so easily to others)
• Trapped

Depression and Stress

One of the major causes of depression, like many other illnesses, is stress. Stress can be defined as our body’s response to a threat, whether it be real or merely perceived.  Stress can be positive such as getting married or having a baby, or it can be negative such as losing a job or the death of a loved one. Both types of stress can overwhelm us and cause health problems if not properly managed.

Being constantly exposed to stress can lead to something called the General Adaptation Syndrome. This includes three stages that people may go through when dealing with a lot of stress and if the stress is not managed properly at the beginning stages, it can lead to depression.

The first stage is the alarm stage. This is your body’s response to a threat. In this stage, your body releases an increase in the hormones cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline which leads to the fight or flight response.

The second stage is called the resistance stage. Here your body uses up a lot of cortisol in order to produce more energy so your body can resist the stressor. The problem is that if you’re in this stage for a long period of time then your body is producing an excessive amount of cortisol. This can cause you to feel anxious, tired and have difficulty sleeping since all your energy is devoted to dealing with the stressor.

The final stage is known as the exhaustion stage. This is where your body has produced so much cortisol that it can no longer produce any more, or can only produce a limited amount. Your body has essentially been over-worked and is too exhausted to continue functioning properly. As a result, you may feel fatigued, sluggish, burned out, irritable, cold, sore, more susceptible to illnesses and headaches, have a low sex drive, have a hard time coping, or suffer from depression.

People who reach the exhaustion stage are at risk of becoming depressed because they’ve been exposed to one or more stressors over such a long period of time that their body has depleted all its resources to fight and has essentially just given up, causing the person to feel burned out and depressed.

Another theory of how stress can lead to depression is known as learned helplessness. This is where a person experiences stressful events repeatedly to the point that they feel helpless to change the situation, like they lack the ability to control their own lives. When people start thinking in a negative way like this it can increase their susceptibility to developing depression.

Stress also affects people’s coping mechanisms. When you’re stressed it causes you to have a lower mood which in turn causes you to stop taking part in the activities that you enjoy which ultimately makes you feel worse and decreases your mood even more. This vicious cycle can lead you to feel depressed because the stress is taking over your life, it’s constantly on your mind and it has interrupted your usual outlet for coping.

Some examples of stressful events that may increase a person’s chances of becoming depressed are:

• being in an abusive relationship
• unemployment
• debt
• taking on extra responsibilities at home or work
• choosing a path in life that you aren’t entirely happy with but are scared to change
• going through a transition period in one’s life such as leaving your family home to move out on your own, having a baby, or retiring and having to learn to adjust your lifestyle since you have more time on your hands but a reduction in your finances

It is important to try and find ways to manage or reduce the stress in your life so you don’t start feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, out of control and/or depressed. Some tips are to:

• eat healthy (refined carbs like white bread and sugary foods release insulin which triggers the release of cortisol which causes stress)
• exercise (it helps grow new brain cells and maintain the health of existing ones)
• get at least eight hours of sleep
• do something that makes you happy or relaxes you so you can get your mind off of the stressor
• reduce your caffeine intake since it stimulates the same hormones that increase stress
• try to follow a daily routine to get yourself back on track
• practice deep breathing exercises, yoga, or other forms of meditation