My Experience: Part I - My Story

I haven’t posted in over a month. I didn’t forget about my blog or give up on it but I was going through a down period and I needed to focus on me for a little while. I also knew the next couple of posts I wanted to write were to describe my personal experience of getting diagnosed and dealing with the effects of depression and it was hard to work up the courage to tell this story.

In 2010/2011 I went on an exchange to England for a year. It was the best year of my life! I experienced a new culture, I met so many amazing people and made some of my best friends, I travelled all the time. It was perfect. Then I returned home to Canada and things got hard. I was thrown back into a more strict society with higher expectations; it was like culture shock in my own country. Friendships had dwindled over the year as people’s lives continued on without me while I was gone. It was my last year of university and for the first time ever I found school work to be a chore. It wasn’t hard, I had just changed. I used to be the person who identified myself by my grades and focused only on school work, to the detriment of all other aspects of my life. But now I had experienced a different way of life, a more relaxed way of life; I felt alive. I wanted to travel and explore and meet new people and socialize; school just wasn’t as important as it used to be. But I had gotten straight A’s throughout my past 3 years of university and I knew I’d be very disappointed in myself if I didn’t get straight A’s in my final year, so as hard as it was to concentrate, I pushed myself to give it my all. In the end it paid off and on graduation day I was happy when I received a medal for graduating at the top of my class. It was worth it. But I was burnt out.

Throughout the year I also diagnosed myself with Seasonal Affective Disorder. After being in England for a year I was certainly sun deprived. Then came the cold Canadian winter (which I usually love because I ski/snowboard/skate/snowshoe) but for the first time, I hated it. I started sleeping a lot, stopped trekking to the gym, went outside as few times as possible and eventually started skipping most of my classes (which I NEVER did before!) I think the lack of sunlight, the endlessly long, cold winter, and my pure exhaustion from school just did me in. My body gave up, it didn’t want to try and fight anymore.

After my year abroad I had also gone through a break up. The break up itself didn’t contribute to my depression, but there were consequences to that relationship that were now fairly evident. For 3 and a half years my life had revolved around one person and now that he was gone, I was alone. I had given up most of my hobbies and we had spent all of our time together so I now realized that I really didn’t have any friends. This certainly affected my mood – I had no support network, no one to share stories with, no social life. It was just me. I love having alone time, but when all my time was spent by myself and I had no one to do anything with it got incredibly lonely.

In May 2012, right after I finished my last year of university, I was officially diagnosed with depression. I went on a dopamine medication and immediately had a bad reaction so my doctor switched me to a serotonin medication that seemed to have more promise.  But despite having just gotten diagnosed with depression, I still decided to move back to England for law school. In hindsight, that was probably a bad idea. I loved England, I made more awesome friends, but being in another country, so far away from my family, at a time when I was really struggling made things worse. I was fine for the first semester, the change and the excitement was enough to boost my spirits. But then second semester came along and I was 100% burnt out. I couldn’t focus on school; I had no interest in it anymore. The grey, rainy weather in England put a damper on my already low mood. I had no motivation to do any of the fun activities I had planned to do, and I barely saw my friends any more. I stopped going to class, even though I was on a VISA and could get kicked out of the country for not showing up. I stopped going out with my friends. I didn’t travel anymore. I didn’t even get dressed or leave the house. It also didn’t helping that I was dating (and living with) a guy who turned out to have zero aspirations in life – his negative outlook on life really brought me down. I decided to break up with my boyfriend, take a leave of absence from law school and return to Canada. Packing up and getting myself to the airport was an enormous task for me, I’d say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. It was so hard for me to gather the motivation to actually do something and to leave the house and catch a train to the airport seemed impossible. I almost didn’t get up the morning I had to leave because I couldn’t coax myself to get out of bed and face the day. The only thing that got me moving was knowing that I was going home and that I could then get into my own bed and not have to move again for as long as I wanted.

Being home actually made a huge difference. It was nice to see my family and my dog. It was summer time and I live on the lake so I could just relax and soak up the sun. I was happy. And I thought I was cured. I had stopped taking my medication while in England, a few months before I came home. I found it really wasn’t helping me and I actually thought it was making me worse. Now that I was home, I was glad I wasn’t on any meds, I don't like the idea of putting all these unnatural chemicals into my body, I much rather find my own personal, natural ways of healing, so I was happy that all I needed to cure me was to come home and be with my family in the sun.

So I had dealt with depression (officially) for just over a year – May 2012 until June 2013. And then I was fine. I was still struggling to get back into a routine of working and moving out of my parents’ house, but I was happy. I eventually moved to Toronto in January 2014 and started working in February. I then got a second job in March and I loved how busy I was. After so long of doing nothing and being bored of doing nothing but not having the motivation to do anything else, a full schedule felt like heaven! Until the end of March, when it all came crashing down again.

March 2014 – I had been free from depression for almost 10 months and all of a sudden I felt my world spinning out of control again. Maybe I was never really completely free from it the first time. Maybe it was just a false sense of happiness from switching up my routine. I’m not sure. But I was certain that I was dealing with a relapse.

I missed work one night because I suffered an awful panic attack and couldn’t stop shaking and crying for hours. The next day I quit that job. I started struggling to wake up to get to my 9-5 job downtown and I either missed days or came in late. Eventually we worked out a revised schedule where I worked 11:30-5 instead. That helped for a while, but as time went on that also became too hard. I wasn’t falling asleep until around 4 or 5am, so waking up in the morning was actually impossible. Even when I managed to get to work, I couldn’t concentrate and it took forever to get anything done. I eventually just stopped going to work altogether. I reluctantly went back on medication (a different kind then the previous 2 I had tried). It’s working better I think. I also started seeing an acupuncturist (more on that later) and he really helped me deal with some of my issues. I’m still struggling with the relapse. But I can definitely say I’m on the rise again. And this time I’m not going to assume my recovery. I’m going to work hard and make some serious life changes so I can hopefully eliminate depression from my life altogether.

I know this post is incredibly long!! But whether anyone reads this to the end or not, I thought it was important to tell my background story of how I got to where I am today, if not for anyone else’s benefit, then at least for my own, as a record of my past and what I’ve been through. In my next post I will discuss all the feelings and emotions I have experienced when in my states of depression to give people an understanding of what I go through, and to help those of you dealing with depression see that you’re not alone in experiencing these troubling feelings.